And then it was cancer

I had to wait a couple of weeks for my results, which was fine with me, because I was going to be ok, right? I had just turned 30, so the possibility of BC seemed so small that I didn’t entertain it. My appointment was at 13:50 on a wednesday, and a few days before I got a message “This is the mammography department, you have an appointment qt 13:30 on wednesday”. “At half one? but in the letter it says at ten to two?” I thought to myself  “must be a mistake”. I forgot about it but the day before I thought that I’d better check what this time business was., so I rang the hospital/”Oh I have to come in for a mammography as well as for results??!?!?!?”. I then knew something wasn’t right.

In times like this google is your best friend, and your worst enemy as well. I was straight on my laptops searching for “mammography women under 35”, as I knew, as explained on another post that this test was NOT commonly done on women my age. ‘Course I came across a medical book, called something along the lines of  “Essentials of mammography”, via google scholar. It said that mammograms on women under 35 should only be done when there is a good indication of cancer. WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!!! panic panic panic.

The second round of tests a the hospital, when they squeezed my boobs and took a lil’ chunk of my lump out, was so different from the first one. No longer I was getting the “It will probably be nothing”, “You’ll be fine” type of comments. There was no reassurance that “it may be nothing, but we are just double checking”. They referred to the cells that were analysed from my lumps as “a bit suspicious”, which then changed to “very suspicious”. They were also referred to as “not right”. Motherfucker cells. Anyhow. We left the hospital thinking that it was cancer. You could not think otherwise.

As the week passed I became increasingly hopeful, and the “I’m too young” discourse entered my mind again. “I can’t have cancer! I’m making everyone worry for no reason”. When the results day arrived the lovelies that came with me were Nick and Fausto, sitting on the waiting corridor, sipping coffee and reading some teenage magazine called Sugar, making fun of it and having a giggle. After a while though I realised that everyone was going in before me. At that point I told Fausto that the news were bad and they were leaving me for the end, you know, in case I had some nervous breakdown, or started kicking chairs around or god-knows-what reaction I could have.

We go in. Consultant is fiddling with the papers on my files. “What is she looking at?”. Then she asked me if I’ve had a needle biopsy. “Yes” I say. “Get one with it!” I think. And she did…”I’m AFRAID…hg&***£$%ns%…have CONFIRMED…kl0&*££”. These are the only words I remember. The rest is history.

Oh, but what was my reaction? I didn’t hit anyone, didn’t break any hospital equipment. In true Rosa style I swore, “Fuck, fuck fuck”, “shit shit shit” with occasional apologies for my bad language. I said a few wacko things (lets not get into that). And apparently I laughed too. I cannot remember much, but Faustotold me I went through a whole range of emotions. Course I also remember saying “I do not want to die”. Which is something that I am not currently worried about.  My current worries are:

1) Will I lose my fertility?

2) Do I have time to freeze some embryos (in case the answer to question 1 is yes)?

3) When will I start chemo?

4) Will I become bloated (from the chemo)?

5) How many haircuts can I fit in between now and chemo?

6) Will I lose all or some of my hair?

7) Will i lose my taste buds? will all food taste bitter? metallic? like cardboard?

8) Will the nausea take over?

Please note worries are not listed in order of importance. ‘Course, there are other worries, but there are the most immediate ones. Seeing the oncologist this afternoon. Scary!!!!!


5 responses to “And then it was cancer

  1. Pingback: Week 22 « Hair growth after chemo

  2. Pingback: No man’s land | The stories of Rosa and her lump *What life turns out to be when you have to pencil in breast cancer*

  3. Pingback: And then then it wasn’t cancer | The stories of Rosa and her lump *What life turns out to be when you have to pencil in breast cancer*

  4. Reblogged this on Hair growth after chemo and commented:

    The Fuck Cancer facebook page was asking today on people´s first thoughts when they were diagnosed with cancer, which brought me to this post! it has rained so much since…

  5. well I was and wasn’t surprised that it turned out to be cancer as I had a scare with a benign lump a few years ago… I wasn’t surprised this time either that I had noted soreness and pain at times all summer so made dr. appt and saw dr on Sept 24 and he asked when my mammo was due and was like 3 days away he turned and looked at my husband and said that he wasn’t doing his job and my husband said what job my breast exam of course he said… Saw a spot and ordered another mammo at a different facility breast ultrasound with needle guided punch bioposy all on my Birthday Oct 25th but you don’t cancel that appt. and 2 days later I got the confirmation phone call and happy birthday to me….

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