Aaarhg f…

Question: What is more annoying than having chemo?

Answer: Going for chemo and finding out you cannot have it.

 After psyching yourself up for it. After saying your goodbyes to friends and family “see you in a few days” . And after having the last supper…last because it is likely that I wouldn’t eat in a  few days. And for your information, what you eat the night before chemo has to be well thought out and selected. Despite the fact that you may not enjoy a meal for a few days (or even weeks, which is not my case thankgodforthat) it is not a good idea to have your favourite food on pre-chemo night. That is because if the day after you are being nauseous and unable to eat, memories of the last time you ate come flooding back (trust me they do) and you can come to associate favourite food with vomiting. Not nice.

So that is what happened to me last friday. After choosing my chemo outfit (more on chemo and style another time). After all the goodbyes and last meal…I got to the hospital only to find out that my white blood cell count wast low. This meant:

1) another blood test there and then.

2) a 3 hour wait in the chemo suite to see if the new blood test would show that my white blood cells were up.

3) a quick visit from the consultant, who, as well as checking how I am doing, also let me know there is nothing, I repeat, nothing I can do to push my white cell count up.

4) a cheese sandwich on malted bread and cup of bad bad bad coffee courtesy of the nhs.

5) the news that I would not be having chemo that day.

I was in tears (well I was in tears as soon as I walked into the suite, what a depressing place, they need to sort out the curtains and the lighting!!!). I threw a strop. AAAAARGH. But I have a wedding to go to next weekend! and it is my friend’s 30th and and…it was all planned out, you cannot do this to me! I have a life besides chemo!!! or do I?

I do I do. But last friday showed me that yes, for while, chemotherapy will dictate my rhythm and that I have to be patient. When it comes to my life, I am not always on the drivers seat nowadays, sometimes I have to be in the passenger seat.

New blood tests have shown that I am now ready for it. Better go and chose a chemo outfit then!!


4 responses to “Aaarhg f…

  1. Owwww, Rosa-Red. That’s bloody dank and dreadful. How frustrating. I really feel for you and hope that you get to go to the wedding next weekend. It must be a further kick in the teeth when all this is really affecting the things you look forward to like weddings and birthdays and getting to spend time with friends. I’m thinking of you all the time honey. Keep that beeee-autiful chin up. xxxx

  2. Bloody hell man what a pain in the butt.

  3. All my very best…X

  4. Pingback: Chemo or not chemo? that is the white bloody question. « The stories of Rosa and her lump *What life turns out to be when you have to pencil in breast cancer*

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